Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize