A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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