I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
