i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
