I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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