omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
