Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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