My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize