i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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