I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
