We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
