This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
