i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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