I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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