Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
