i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
