i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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