He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
