i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
