I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
