for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
