By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
