shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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