Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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