you lied. pity sex is amazing.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
