i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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