My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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