wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
