I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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