I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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