Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
