I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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