Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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