My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
