I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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