Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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