i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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