I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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