You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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