Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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