Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I've blown a few things in my day
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
