Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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