she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
