I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize