woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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