oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
