im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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