I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
