i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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