note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
