That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
