I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
