he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
