Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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