Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
