I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
