Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize