I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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