just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
