Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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