I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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