I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
