I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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