Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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