You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
